The Evolving Growth Process

When we witness a newborn we are often struck, as if for the first time, by the sacredness and wonder of life. Suddenly our eyes are newborn too! We are awakened briefly from our sleep by this ordinary, yet extraordinary sight, our consciousness momentarily ignited by awareness.

The infant, having just arrived, is cloaked in the mystery of divine promise. The child seems a manifestation of purity and perfect innocence. The newborn is a joy to behold.

The child has come, a stranger to our worldy ways. Beholding the purity, the grace, the innocence, we look with reverence, forgetful of our own seemingly distant origin.

The earth-bound child has many lessons to learn. What will they be?

That is the question each child’s presence poses in our work moment to moment. What is the child teaching as s/he interacts with circumstance? What informs our intention as we respond to the child?

Our concern is to respond meaningfully using focused heart-mind intelligence in the unfolding, revealing moment, so that our response injects into the child’s experience vital affirming energy, and becomes the right healing medicine.

The lessons I speak of refer to a child’s whole being, the way the moment is taken in, digested and transformed as all kinds of activities occur. Not only experience, but the child’s interpretation of experience shapes the patterns of unfolding. That is why great care must be given to the lessons we teach and receive from children.

Do we really see and respond to the child’s heart, soul, spirit as we engage the child’s mind? Do we speak to the whole child, this unique being, before one’s very eyes? As we engage, are we aware, do we remember, that we are the child’s servant? That our mission is to discover how to serve the child’s needs, not s/he ours? It is such healing balm to be seen, as one is, to be valued, as one is.

The teacher’s purpose is to nurture through sensitive watchful attentiveness every aspect of the child’s growth process, and above all, the child’s core well-being, self-awareness, and authenticity.

A child is not judged for expressing any feeling no matter how disagreeable, such as cursing, saying mean things and aggressively striking-out. Whatever the expression it arises out of the child’s cumulative experiences, confusions and response to the moment. In order for meaningful change to occur acceptance of the child’s feelings and clarification must take place first. Thus, a child’s intention to wound another is acknowledged.

For example: James yells angrily at Tommy for refusing to give up a play object to him. He moves aggressively closer to Tommy.

-Teacher speaks gently to James as she separates the boys.

-Teacher to James: James, I can't let you hurt Tommy. Tommy still needs to play with Mr. Potato Head. I can find something
special just for you.”

-Teacher to Tommy: I’m sorry James yelled at you. He’s upset
right now and isn’t able to play with you.”

The teacher does not ask James to say he’s sorry to Tommy. Observing him, she sees that he is still angry and upset. However, she expresses her understanding of the situation for both children’s benefit. Thus, she models compassion.

A few minutes later:

-James to Tommy: “You still my friend?”
-Tommy to James: “Yeah.”
-And Tommy models forgiveness.

Some might think that Tommy should have been persuaded to share his toy with James as a means of teaching sharing. While sharing is a respected value, it should not be imposed upon children. What is imposed teaches its opposite. When a child’s need to relate to an object to satiation is respected, sharing arises naturally as a generous and genuine impulse and is a gratifying experience, especially for the giver.

Responding to experience as it is without the intrusion of embellished thinking is vital to the development of whole being, the child’s and the teacher’s as well.

Teachers, when first learning this work usually have no idea of the scope of the task, or of the revolutionary internal challenges that lie ahead. For in this work, work with another implies in the first place, work with oneself.

Effort is required to see rightly what is emerging before one’s eyes. Being open to what is without preconceived notions or expectations. Seeing freshly, as if for the first time. Listening with open heart-mind intelligence. Becoming a finely tuned instrument that is played by circumstance, that quivers and resonates and responds in perfect harmony with the moment, is the aspiration.

Seeing and listening with acceptance, not only to the child, but also to oneself. Seeing and listening not only with eyes and ears, but with one’s whole body knowing and responsive. That is what makes this work challenging, fascinating, compassionate and elevating.

I am reminded of my work with a relatively new teacher to our staff. I was personally immensely drawn to Emily. Yet her work distressed me greatly, especially its lack of authenticity with an autistic boy, a child she had particularly wanted in her group of three.

Emily’s work with Sean rang a harsh, glaring false note to me. She seemed oblivious to the child before her eyes. Missed him completely as she drove herself full force into the work. A vehicle moving full steam ahead without a driver or a destination.

Emily tried desperately to distract Sean from his seemingly aimless, repetitive and meaningless behaviors. She threw laughter and smiles at him, talked very loudly at him, read books at him, knocked herself out through endless futile effort, while he, throughout, ignored her and maintained his self-stimulating behaviors. Though she sat next to him, an abyss separated them. Emily appeared to act upon Sean without the slightest awareness of his presence. She seemed as out of ‘IT’ in her way as he in his.

Emily was eager to receive help from me. Each day I modeled work with Sean in the classroom and later explored Emily’s observations and my intentions in private supervision meetings. Instead of distracting Sean, I entered into whatever his preoccupation was by intruding my presence in some startling way, attracting his attention to me.

This could be by matter-of-factly removing rubber animals Sean was waving in the air, and by saying, “That’s enough animals for now Sean. I have come to be with you.” Or some other action aimed at intrusion into whatever seemed to interest him.
My motivation was to encounter Sean, to find him, to bring him into the present living moment interactively with me. Whether the encounter was pleasant or not was irrelevant. I was here to be with Sean. I was open to becoming the full measure of whatever the moment required.

Oftentimes Sean became attacking, violent and angry. So be it. Even though great strength was required to contain him, my body rose to the occasion and became a safe holding environment for as long as was needed. Frequently I was left winded, yet exhilarated. What I wanted was alive, fresh, vital moments between Sean and me, moments that mattered to Sean! Moments that mattered to me!

Emily and I continued to meet frequently to discuss our work, to no avail. Her lack of authenticity prevailed. She could not be herself with Sean. She was artificial. Though she wanted to find the boy in Sean, something impeded her every attempt.

Emily had been insistent in her desire to take on the challenge of work with a child who had autism. She leapt at the opportunity Sean presented. Perhaps he represented a way for her to express and prove her healing skills. She had never worked with an autistic child before. Perhaps her need to achieve a “miracle” impeded her ability to actually relate to Sean.

A teacher’s (or anyone’s) hidden agenda, lack of self-awareness and motivation, is always a potential obstacle and danger in the work. Emily's unconscious motivation referred essentially to satisfying herself and had little to do with relating meaningfully to Sean. Therefore, Sean was serving her needs and not she his. When one lacks self-knowledge, it is easy to become misguided in one’s actions.

Emily attempted to impact upon Sean from the outside, to shape him and make him okay by and through her action as an expression of herself and her healing powers. She was caught up in her own isolated dance; yet all the time what was really being expressed was her negation of Sean as a person.

Two months passed. I was compelled to accept the truth. I was unable to transmit the work to Emily. I met with her on a Friday afternoon. I conveyed my belief that we had each given our work together our best effort. I admitted that I was unable to impart the work to her. I did not believe we would succeed, painful as that was to me.

Emily looked at me in utter shock and disbelief. “Do you mean you are going to fire me?” she asked. “I would not call it firing. I think perhaps it is recognizing that this work, as I need it to be done, is not for you. You may be happier teaching somewhere else where these kinds of demands won’t be made of you. We can talk more about this next week.”

On the following Monday morning, Emily insisted upon seeing me as soon as possible. We met early that morning.

Emily said she had been in shock and grief and cried the entire weekend. During that time she had come to the realization that growing up in her parents’ home there was always the expectation by each of them that she be happy.

She was not permitted to cry, be sad, or experience upset feelings. Her parents took whatever action was needed to circumvent those feelings. They could not tolerate her unhappiness. She was prevented from knowing herself and being whole. Emily had not realized this before. Indeed, she always did appear sunny, happy and smiling.

Emily confessed all that I had said (and demonstrated) about authentic being in the moment was totally alien to her until that weekend when she had sobbed broken-heartedly, and had come to experience the value of accepting her own anger, pain and grief. When I inquired about her feelings toward me she shared that she felt angry and hurt by me, though she saw the necessity for what I had said to her.

Emily asked for the opportunity to demonstrate her new awareness. And demonstrate it she did.

Emily’s sudden insight reminded me of the Buddhist monks I have read about who became awakened after receiving a severe blow from their teacher. Emily’s work changed so radically it was breathtaking, a delight to behold. She became a superb teacher. Her eyes were wide open, within and without. She could see what the moment required and provided it. I did not know the blow I had struck would bring such results.

Due to Emily’s work, in two and a half years time, Sean underwent a stunning metamorphosis. For many months his violent impulsivity directed at his teacher required long periods of physical containment by her. His teacher’s seeing, taking him in, holding, accepting and containing his feelings in the present, erupting moment, her on the mark responsiveness energized and heightened Sean’s awareness of himself, of experience, moment to moment throughout the day. Like a magnet, it drew his attention to the living moment, toward human interaction, and therefore to everyday reality.

Repeatedly we have witnessed that the release of violent emotion, within a contained, safe and accepting holding environment, plays a significant transformative role in the healing of children, especially those that are autistic, unrelated, or severely withdrawn. Following the release of erupting energy over time, children appear more centered, related, and non-verbal children usually begin to speak.

What could be the reason for this?

I surmise that the release of prolonged erupting violent energy, summons the participation of the whole organism of the child. Every aspect becomes involved, biological, neurological, emotional and psychological. And therefore there is a bringing together, a synthesis, a unifying fusion of disparate and fragmented internal functioning. What formerly lacked integration, becomes integrated, more harmonious, balanced and whole.

Sean eventually emerged a shy loving boy. There were no visible signs of autism. Sean had been essentially non-verbal for two years, (a primary concern of his mother’s), though occasionally he’d repeat a word said to him. Now he spoke softly in sentences and was cognitively very bright. When Sean’s mother visited with him, he was functioning well in a mainstream education class in Public School.

But how, the reader may wonder, does the teacher accept and empathize with a child who is so violently attacking? How can there be no retaliatory anger? One might easily speculate that violent attacks are grossly unfair payment for commitment and devotion. On the surface this reasoning might seem plausible, but it is not.

If a child had ingested a poisonous substance and felt compelled to regurgitate it onto one’s person, disagreeable as this was, empathy and concern would likely be for the child’s welfare, would it not?

Without clarity of purpose, and the awareness that a child's violent behavior is impersonal in its direction, that is the erupting energy must be released in order for fresh, unifying, clarifying energy to enter; without this awareness, only anger between child and teacher is likely to be exchanged. The erupting violent energy has to do with the child, not the teacher. How the teacher responds has to do with her, not the child. Yet the interaction profoundly affects the developmental growth of each. The child must be enabled to discover s/he is battling an enemy that isn’t there. The action of healing work is its own reward. For it transcends self and self-interest. What can be more spirit-enhancing than to participate in the flowering of a child?

A teacher’s attachment to ideas about self and identification with beliefs interferes with the healing potential of the work. Like a child’s rage, pain and grief which must eventually become expressed, held, accepted, digested and transformed, a teacher’s difficulties in the work must undergo the same process and becomes apparent through direct observation, private supervision, room teacher team meetings and staff meetings which provide opportunities for growth and development.

For example: an untrained teacher may not have noticed that she is particularly drawn to a child who clings to her, who makes her feel wanted, valued and needed, and is put off by a child who rejects and is verbally abusive or attacking. (The opposite, or variations, may occur, depending on a teacher’s individual psychology.)

The point is, the extent to which a teacher is unaware of her responses, is not paying neutral and uncritical attention to them, is unaware let us say, that she enjoys a child’s clinging dependency, then she may unknowingly feed the dependency while rejecting the child’s strides toward individuation and independence. She may undermine the child’s need to express and own repressed and disowned rage, anger and pain. She may idealize the child’s clinging as good (because it feels good to her) and unknowingly reject the unobserved repressed feelings of the child as she does her own.

Under these circumstances, the teacher is blinded by lack of self-awareness which dictates behavior and interferes with healing, useful work. Therefore, assistance is needed in befriending and developing in Zen Buddhist psychological terms, the attentive, neutral, accepting, witnessing, seeing aspect of one’s person. From this psychological perspective, what is occurring within may be observed as one witnesses passing clouds, without attachment or judgment, but with focused interest. What is observed is not taken to be ‘me’. It is fluid and ephemeral, like clouds, when observed without attachment and judgment. Yet what is observed, empowers evolving self-knowledge.

Through the process of continuous mindful, attentive and nonjudgmental witnessing of both herself and each child, a teacher becomes enabled to separate what she is feeling in the moment from what she does. Or rather, through observation, what is seen, accepted and digested becomes instantly transformed. She gains the insight and inner freedom to act in the best interest of the child.

In so doing, she participates in the enhancement of her own developmental process. She not only discovers how to hold and become a safe container for any feeling a child may show, but she also discovers the path to being fully present to herself.

What then is sacrificed? Only one’s attachment and identification with ego-centered ideas, conscious and unconscious. How does one become aware of objectified ideas? By paying attention to the thoughts and feelings that come and go in the moment. Through neutral observation and acceptance, what is seen, is seen through, becomes transparent and transformed.

That was the path that called to Emily.

Emily’s whole being was challenged to see what was being missed. The superb teacher (and person) within her demanded to know and understand.

This intention fueled her ability to enter the forbidden interior, where anger, sorrow, pain and loss resided. There she remained, opening herself to inner revelation. From within she received the healing medicine – as do our children. And so she wholeheartedly participated in her own healing, insight and awareness. She surrendered to the timeless moment and received its wisdom.

This gift she then passed on to her children.